Ken's Compassion Blog

Insurance Update

I wanted to let you know that I am now accepting insurance payment from Blue Shield.  

In addition, I'm still accepting insurance from Western Health Advantage/Magellan, Aetna, Cigna and the California Victims of Crime program, also known as Victim Witness. And I'm a member of the Sutter Physicians Alliance.  

If you have any questions about my services, I invite you to visit my web site, or feel free to call. Thanks to those of you who have made referrals, they are always appreciated.

Ten Strategies for Self Care

I’ve been working a lot lately with family members and friends of addicts and alcoholics. I’ve always been a big proponent of self-care. And this is especially important if you are close to an addict or alcoholic.

The sad truth is that there is nothing we can do to get someone else to stop using drugs or to get sober from alcohol. We can’t control people’s behavior or the choices they make. That being the case, the question is no longer, ‘what am I going to do about this person.’ The real question is: How am I going to take care of myself given the way things are.

To help with that I’ve put together a list of Ten Strategies for Self Care for families and friends of alcoholics and addicts:

Prioritize yourself: Make yourself and your well being the priority. Don’t sacrifice your self-care strategies or activities for the addict/alcoholic.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries: Set clear, solid boundaries and stick to them, even when it’s hard, even when your loved one insists.

Learn to say no: This is part of setting and maintaining firm boundaries. You'll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time, emotions or resources, including money.

Give up on the idea of control: You can’t control other people, especially addicts. Let the addict or alcoholic have his/her life, even if you don’t approve.

Stop over-nurturing: If you routinely take on other people's problems andresponsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Every time you rescue an addict or alcoholic from the consequences of their behavior, you are enabling them to continue that behavior. Try to get some nurturing for yourself.

Don’t trust too soon: Always be aware of an addict/alcoholic’s propensity for dishonesty.

Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is a good salve for agitation and depression.

Build and maintain a support system: Taking care of yourself with an addict demands more energy and attention that you have by yourself. There are lots of resources available, including  - faith based and Twelve Step Groups. Here are a few resources that are available in your area.: 

Alanon – (916) 334-2970,

Nar-Anon (800) 627-6291,

Codependents Anonymous – (866) 794-9993

Replenish yourself: Go for walks, get exercise, get a massage, yoga, movies...Take care of your body: Don't skip meals, disregard your need for sleep, or break the doctor appointments. Take care of yourself nutritionally. Stay hydrated.

Again, self-care is always important, but even more so if you’re close to an addict or alcoholic. If you’re struggling with these issues, I’m available to help. Feel free to call me at (916) 367-2105.

 

Mindfulness and the Art of Observation

Recently I attended a conference in Seattle on Mindfulness and Psychotherapy. It was a great four days. I learned a lot and met some great people. And I thought I'd share with you some of what I learned.

Mindfulness is the art of focusing on your experience in the present moment, without judgment - just being with what is. It's about accepting ourselves, our feelings, our experience, and knowing that we're okay. Sure, sometimes our experience is uncomfortable. But it's possible to be still in the present moment, where everything is generally ok, even when we're uncomfortable. Mindfulness can go a long way in helping to reduce stress and heal our emotional wounds. For more on mindfulness, you can visit my web site for an extended explanation. 

One of the things we discussed at the conference was the importance of observing our experience, without judging it and without getting caught up in our assumptions. This is especially important when we're under stress.

When we're stressed, many of us have a tendency to make assumptions about the stressful situation and create negative scenarios in our minds. Some people report they feel like their mind is racing.

But if we ignore all that and just focus on what we actually observe, we will find that our mind settles down and we are better able to respond thoughtfully, rather than react from an emotionally impulsive space.

For example, I was talking with someone about a text s/he had received that this person found upsetting. It turned out that the text itself wasn't upsetting. But this person's assumptions about the unstated meaning behind the message, assumptions about the sender's intentions, and what that might portend were very disturbing. But when s/he paused to notice only what could be observed, independent on the mind's impulsive assumptions and scenarios, the message was actually quite innocuous and there was nothing to be upset about.

Or a couple was having a difficult discussion about a painful aspect of their relationship, and one partner turned away in the middle of the discussion. The other partner felt cut off, abandoned and ignored. But asked what s/he actually observed, all they saw was the other person turned his/her head. When s/he was able to ignore the noise and assumptions in the mind and focus only on what was observed, s/he experienced a sort of quiet curiosity about what had just happened. On inquiry, it turns out the partner turned away because s/he was feeling vulnerable, scared and embarrassed, and was afraid to show the tears that were starting to come.

For many of us, simply observing of what's occurring in the present moment isn't our default response. We need to train ourselves and our minds to mindfully observe only what is actually happening, and then respond to what we observe.

Observation is a skill that we can develop. We need to learn to pay attention to our actual experience, and pay less attention to what we are telling ourselves about our experience. This is an essential skill of mindfulness. Here are some practices that can help train the mind to observe and respond, rather than assume and react:

Breathe: Take slow deep breaths. When we are agitated, we start to breathe fast and shallow. Our heart rate and blood pressure both rise. By slowing our breathing, the body begins to calm down, the heart rate slows and the blood pressure begins to return to normal. All this helps us focus the mind and notice what we are actually observing.

Observe the mind: Instead of getting carried away by the noise in our head, we can watch and listen to it like a radio. If you do this you'll notice the mind tends to flit from one thing to another. The mind has a negative bias that it imposes on events and makes assumptions that are not based in facts. By watching the mind like a movie, we can more easily set aside impulsive thinking and focus on what we observe.

Here are a few more exercises that can help to train the mind so we can observe our experience:

Notice the sensations of your body in the present moment. For example, place your hands on your knees, palms down,  and notice how that feels on the palms of your hands. Or you can take a few minutes to notice the sensations associated with breathing - your chest going up and down, the air moving between your nose and your upper lip. Just observe.

Say a word out loud and watch where your mind goes with it. Say elephant then try not to think of an elephant and watch what your mind does with that.

Pause and listen to all the sounds around you.

All these exercises are designed to help train the mind to pause and observe the present moment. Focusing on what we actually observe in the present moment goes a long way toward calming the mind and helping us choose responses that are appropriate to the given situation, rather than reacting emotionally from a charged emotional place.

One more note: The people and scenarios I discussed in this article are not real people. They are composites of people I have known and situations I have observed.

 

 

Forgiveness - A Process of Healing

I’ve decided in this newsletter to talk about forgiveness. It’s a tricky concept, but an important one. Forgiveness finishes whatever business we have with people who have harmed us, and it’s an important part of healing and moving on. 

It’s probably a good idea at this point to talk about my definition of forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that what people did to harm us was okay. Nor does it mean we have to make nice with people who have perpetrated harm or abused us. It’s subtler than that. 

To me, forgiveness simply means that I’m okay today. On this day, at this moment, I have decided that I am well. My life is good today. So whatever led me to this time and place, to this situation is okay. It’s part of the journey that got me here. 

From that point of view, I can forgive because I am not harmed. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It just means that I’m letting the other people off the hook because I’m not harmed today. 

Forgiveness is an attitude and a process that may be the resolution of trauma or pain. It’ not a specific act that we decree. We may feel forgiveness toward someone today, and not tomorrow. Forgiveness is a process by which we grow into a new attitude toward what happened to us. It’s an attitude of letting go that can heal us. 

Rainer M. Rilke, one of my favorite poets and philosophers, advised us to “love the questions...Do not now try to answer them...we must live the questions, and then some day, without knowing it, we will live our way into the answer.” 

I believe forgiveness has the same quality. If we can decide we are okay, then we can live with the question of forgiveness until we come to an answer. 

I’m not minimizing the terrible traumas that some people have experienced, nor am I advocating that someone must forgive before they are ready. Forcing forgiveness before someone is ready simply perpetuates the harm and may be part of the perpetration. 

Forgiveness is something we approach when we are ready. It’ not something we can decree because we’re “supposed to.” 

“Forgiveness cannot be rushed. The person harmed must have time to grieve and feel anger. Then, when he or she is ready, if ever, forgiveness can lighten the load,” according to Frieda Ferrick, a therapist in Santa Rosa, CA. 

We forgive for ourselves, for our own liberation. Stephanie Lape, one of my grad school classmates said,  “Forgiveness is not so we may be good; it is so we may be free.” 

As part of preparing for this article, I asked some friends for their thoughts on forgiveness. My friend Hugh Miller had an interesting response: 

“I think there are at least two varieties of forgiveness. One, where the other person is unaccountable and doesn't seek a real healing. In this case I think we are wise to just drop the burden of our anger because it weighs us down and life is simply better without any extra suffering. And two, where the other person acknowledges harm done and the parties face the pain together in truth and a certain humbleness. This is the one you have to do if you are going to move forward together.” 

Two people offered specific forgiveness practices (again, only when you are ready): 

From Chris Miller: “Seventy times a day, I say out loud, "I, Chris, now unconditionally forgive myself and all others for all grievances, known and unknown, against myself and all others. Takes about 10 min/day.” 

From Ilene Semiatin: “Write a letter to the person who wronged you, telling them what you are grateful to them for. Don't mail the letter, but give voice to that other piece of yourself, the part that has the capacity to get over the fear, betrayal, anxiety and anger. Actually sit and write the letter. Address the person who wronged you by name and find your gratitude. This has helped me in the past.” 

Whatever your perspective on forgiveness, if you decide to engage the process, it’s important to do so with a great deal of compassion toward yourself. It’s important to do so only when you have decided that you are ready, not because someone, or some entity, tells you have to. It’s another opportunity to practice being kind and gentle with yourself.

Feelings - Accept Yourself

I hear people talk a lot about “positive” and “negative” feelings. It’s easy to accept our positive feelings – happiness, love, compassion. But many have great difficulty accepting the so-called negative feelings – anger, sadness, grief – especially anger.

But what if it turns out there are no positive or negative feelings. I prefer to think of feelings as pleasant or unpleasant; comfortable or uncomfortable; easy or hard.

I think this is an important concept because the more we can accept our feelings the easier it becomes to accept ourselves. And self-acceptance is the key to healing our wounds and feeling good about ourselves and our lives.

It's also true that the more we reject or deny our difficult feelings, the harder it becomes to feel good about ourselves. And they will likely come out as behaviors that don't work for us and that we may not understand.

What we tell ourselves about our feelings plays a major role in how we feel about ourselves. So I'd like to discuss two common misconceptions that tend to needlessly prolong suffering when we harshly judge our feelings and therefore ourselves.

The most common is that we shouldn’t have certain feelings. This most often shows up when people feel anger. But it also applies to other uncomfortable feelings.

The other popular misconception is the idea that if we are experiencing difficult feelings, then something is wrong or we’re not okay.

Both these ideas are simply not true and make our lives more difficult.

You can be okay even if you don’t feel okay. It’s important not to mistake difficult feelings as an indication that you’re not okay or that you’re doing something wrong.

I knew a man whose wife died after many years of marriage. For some period of time his friends and family were supportive and attentive. But eventually they began to drift back to their regular lives. They became less available to hear his grief. Yet, he still grieved. Over time he began to internalize the subtle and not so subtle messages he was getting that he should be over it by now – that his sadness, anger, frustration - his “negative feelings” – were inappropriate.

The more he internalized those thoughts, the harder it became to feel good about himself. The harder it became for him to recover from his loss, because of this nagging feeling that his feelings were inappropriate, and that therefore he wasn’t okay.

Feelings come and go in their own time. They’re like clouds – wispy at the edges, dense in the middle and wispy again as they pass away. And they always pass. Indeed all things are impermanent, especially feelings and states of mind. What makes uncomfortable feelings more difficult is our tendency to resist them. The more we resist our grief or sadness, the longer they stay and the more intense they get.

All feelings are legitimate, including anger. Anger has a bad reputation for the wrong reasons. People equate anger with doing angry things. But the art of anger is to feel so angry you can lash out, you retain your ability to make good choices and refrain from lashing out.

Feelings are not a call to action. We may feel like we want to act on our feelings. But we can still make choices whether or not to do so.

Feelings are not good or bad. They’re just comfortable or uncomfortable. Anger, sadness, frustration are all a legitimate response to difficult or traumatic experiences.

We may suffer because of those experiences. But we only increase our suffering when we tell ourselves that our feelings are inappropriate, or they make us wrong, or having certain feelings means we’re bad people.

About ten years ago I had an opportunity to see The Dalai Lama speak. During a question-and-answer session someone asked him about anger and frustration. He simply said “I have experienced  those feelings.” And that was it. He didn’t resist them, or judge himself harshly because of them.

As for my friend, his healing really began to accelerate when he was able to put aside the negative thoughts and harsh judgments he was attaching to his feelings. The more he was able to accept is feelings, the more comfortable he became with himself, and the more he was able to devote his energy to healing from his loss.

Possibly the wisdom I ever heard about feelings came a Zen teacher I once saw. Someone asked him, “What do I do with all these feelings?”

And he answered: “Welcome them, Be kind to them, Treat them as honored guests. And eventually they  will leave.”

Be kind to them. In other words, difficult feelings give an important opportunity to treat yourself with kindness and gentleness. You deserve nothing less.

 

Think Well of Yourself

I've heard this story about something that happened when The Dalai Lama first came to the U.S., and I think it's worth repeating. 

During the Dalai Lama's first speaking tour, someone asked him why, in all of his talk of compassion and kindness, he never talks about self-esteem. At first, The Dalai Lama didn't understand the question and asked for clarification. According to the story, the explanation brought him to tears.

The Dalai Lama wept because it had never occurred to him that people would feel badly about themselves.

I haven't been able to independently verify this story, but I've heard it from a few different people. Nonetheless, it makes a good point - feeling bad about yourself is not a natural state. It's a cultural phenomena - something we learn.

Now there are things that happen to people that damage their self-esteem - childhood abuse, parental abandonment, other traumas. But the problem of low self-esteem is more pervasive than that.

The media is littered with messages that we're not okay. Most of those messages come from advertisers who tell us we don't wear the right clothes, don't smell right, don't eat the right foods, need to lose weight, don't drive the right car, etc. All of this, of course, comes with the message that "you can feel good about yourself if you buy our product."

But it goes even deeper than that. In his book The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are, Alan Watts suggests that our difficulties feeling good about ourselves stem from the myriad of conflicting messages we get starting in childhood. We're encouraged to be spontaneous, but follow the rules; be a free spirit, but don't rock the boat, etc. It's extremely confusing and leads us to wonder if our basic wants, desires and choices are okay - if we're okay.

All of these things - trauma, abandonment, the constant drum-beat that we're not alright and the contradictions inherent in just learning to navigate the culture - combine to inform the way we think about ourselves. It's easy to internalize messages like:

·      I'm a failure,

·      There's something wrong with me,

·      I'm not enough,

·      I'm doing my life wrong,

·      I'm not competent, etc...

 But what if it turns out that our assumptions about ourselves are incorrect?

In her book, The Key - And The Name of the Key Is Willingness, Zen teacher Cheri Huber writes, "The ways you think you are, not the ways you really are, are the bars of your personal prison...Just because you think something is so (that you're bad, selfish, ugly, perfect, brilliant, inadequate) doesn't mean it's so. It only means you think it's so."

I have a wall hanging in my office with a quote from Buddha. It says, "Happiness does not depend on who you are or what you have. It depends solely on what you think."

In other words, you can choose your view of yourself. It's that simple. But it's not easy. It may require a lot of time and effort to shake off years of programmed attitudes and assumptions about ourselves that inhibit our ability to feel good about ourselves.

It can be done.

One place to start is to consider your thoughts. We all have this narrating thought stream that we hear in our heads - our thoughts. Sometimes they're flowing quietly in the background. Sometimes they're more intense, like when we feel our mind is "racing" when we're under stress.

Although our thoughts tend to be loud and easily capture our attention, our thought stream is actually a tiny, tiny part of who we are.

We are not our thoughts. We are just the space through which they are moving. They are tiny baubles floating through the vast space that is our consciousness.

Imagine a large circle. This is your mind. There are two lines running parallel, a few inches apart, through the middle of the circle. Between those lines is the part of our consciousness that we're aware of. Now imagine running through the middle between the lines is a very, very thin dotted line. It's so thin, you have to really look to see it.

That's the thought stream - a tiny line that runs through the relatively small part of our consciousness that we are actually aware of.

That part of us is not who we are, though it would have us believe it's who we are. If you really listen to that stream, here are a few things you'll notice: It constantly changes the subject - every few seconds. It's the voice of worry and anxiety. It's almost never focused on the present moment - rehashing a conversation from yesterday, or creating a scenario about tomorrow, often with a negative slant. And it tends to state the incredibly obvious - you're in the middle of something really difficult and it says "this is really hard," as if you didn't already know that. It's not even interesting.

The thought stream can be a major contributor to our suffering if we let it decide how we should see ourselves and the world. I recently saw a quote by Buddhist teacherPema Chodron: "We do not suffer because of events. We suffer because of what we tell ourselves about events."

We can change our thoughts at any time. It just takes practice. Here are a few exercises that can help:

A daily meditation practice goes a long way toward taming the thought stream and helping us distance ourselves from it. We can't shut it off most of the time, but meditation will help us separate from it.

When you notice negative thoughts, or you feel anxious, usually nothing bad is happening in the present moment. Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts you can replace them by saying to yourself "I am safe in the present moment" three or four times. Or you can just say "I'm okay, I'm okay" a few times until you start to feel calmer.

It also helps to bring your attention to your breathing. Try taking ten slow deep breaths. This will help slow your mind and give you a little distance from the negative thought stream.

Daily affirmations are also helpful. Take a few minutes every day to affirm in your own mind that you are safe and well and okay. You can simply repeat to yourself "I am safe and well and okay." There are lots of books on daily affirmations. 

The Dalai Lama was once asked to describe his religion. He responded "My religion is kindness."

Let's start by being kind to ourselves, by remembering that we are good people. Perhaps we have been wounded somehow. That is not a referendum on our character or ourselves as human beings. The negative thoughts some of us have about ourselves are simply the waste byproducts of difficult or traumatic experience.

We can train ourselves, train our minds to remember we are good and whole and well, even when we don't feel that way. We can start by directing our thoughts to our wellness and affirm that we are good people.

Twelve Steps to a Better Life

In the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), there's a story of a severe alcoholic named Roland who, in his desperation, traveled to Swisserland in search of a cure from pioneering psychiatrist Carl Jung. Roland stayed with Jung for a year and was sober during that time. But upon returning to the United States, he quickly lost his sobriety and again found himself in the depths of his addiction. 

Desperate, he returned to Jung in the hope of once again finding a cure. To his great dismay, Jung said he couldnít help him. Jung explained that the only solution he knew of for alcoholism was what he called "a vital spiritual experience."

Jung sent Roland to a Christian Evangelical group in Oxford, England, called The Oxford Group. The Oxford Group had Eight Steps for spiritual awakening. Roland found lasting sobriety through that process.

This was the genesis of what would later become the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Ironically, only the first of the Twelve Steps mentions alcohol. The rest of the Steps are a guide to awakening your spiritual life and living in such a way as to set aside the pull of addiction. In fact, a recent article in the journal "Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research" found that the Twelve Steps increase spirituality and that a spiritual awakening plays a major role in successful recovery from alcoholism.

Since the inception of A.A. in 1935, Twelve Step Programs have grown to address all manor of maladies, including drug addiction, codependence, sexual compulsion, compulsive eating and compulsive gambling, to name but a few. In fact there are about 300 different Twelve Step Groups.

The essence of the Twelve Step approach is that people with the same affliction are in it together in groups they call meetings. And as a group they can support each other on the Spiritual path of recovery. Equally important is for individuals to actually work through the Twelve Steps with a mentor from the group ñ known as a sponsor.

The first group to spin off from Alcoholics Anonymous was Alanon, which used the Twelve Steps as a way to aid families and friends of alcoholics. Here's a partial list of other Twelve Step groups. 

I've seen people bring about profound changes in their lives as a result of participating in Twelve Step Groups. Joining a Twelve Step group is easy. All you have to do is go to one. Thereís no fee, though they pass a basket. You donít have to say anything, though you can if you want to. Nobody will ask you for anything. And the folks in these meetings are extremely friendly.

The general rule of thumb of Twelve Step meetings is to check out half-a-dozen different ones. They all have a different style and feel. Then decide whether itís for you.

You can find a partial list of local Twelve Step meetings on my Web site.

Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Recently some of my Facebook friends shared with me an article by Bronnie Ware on the "Top Five Regrets of the Dying." Bronnie Ware is a writer, singer/songwriter, songwriting teacher and speaker from Australia. She has also worked as a nurse to the dying. I found the wisdom in her article to be compelling. So decided to take a break from writing this month's Wellness Letter, contacted her and got permission to share the article with you. I hope you enjoy it:
 

Top Five Regrets of the Dying
by Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

 

Spare the Kids

I do a lot of work with teenagers from divorced families. I’ve seen many things that parents do to smooth this difficult transition for their kids. And I’ve seen many of the mistakes divorced or divorcing parents make that alienate their kids and make it harder for them to adjust.

It’s important for parents to give kids constant reassurance that what happened in the marriage is not their fault, that both parents love them unconditionally and that both parents will still be available, even though they live apart. Teens who get these kinds of messages have an easier time adjusting to this difficult transition. And kids are by nature narcissistic – they tend to think everything is about them. So they need to hear these messages over and over.

Granted, there are extreme cases where there have been abuse or domestic violence, where one or the other parent may not be available. I’m not talking about those today. But in those cases it’s even more important for children to be reassured that what happened was not their fault and they are loved unconditionally.

I also see teenagers who are disaffected and angry at one parent, or the other, or both. They feel caught in the middle. They’re angry, depressed, anxious. And they act out in various ways that include failing in school, oppositional and defiant behavior, getting into fights, getting into drugs, etc.

And over the years I’ve noted a couple of particular behaviors that exacerbate the grief and sadness that children experience in a divorce and tend to alienated them from their parents. I’d like to focus on those.

When parents are at war, the kids are the casualties. The most important thing divorcing parents can do for their kids is to end the war. It’s equally important that kids never be put in the middle of what’s going on between the parents.

There are two common ways that I’ve seen this happen.

The most harmful is when one parent says negative things about the other parent or repeatedly criticizes the other parent to the child. This is actually a severe form of emotional abuse.

Children love both parents unconditionally. They’re hard wired that way. When one parent is complaining to their child about the other parent, it is extremely confusing for the child. Children begin to feel they have to choose between their parents. It feels like an impossible situation, because they want to be loyal to both parents. Many teens have told me they feel like they are betraying one parent simply by loving the other or enjoying the time they spend together, or that they are somehow supposed to figure out how to make peace between the parents.

Parents occasionally complain to me that their teens have stopped communicating with them and seem angry much of the time. The teens tell me they can’t stand hearing parents criticizing each other. They tell me it’s just easier to withdraw from the relationship with one parent or both. This leaves them feeling unsupported and alone, which contributes to anger, depression and myriad acting out behaviors.

Often, the teens end up angry at both parents and those relationships can be damaged for years. Eventually, kids usually figure out that mom or dad was just venting his or her anger onto them at the kid’s expense, and they become angry at the offending parent. It’s especially difficult if both parents are engaging in this behavior.

The other thing I hear teens complain about is when parents won’t talk to each other and use the kids to communicate – especially when that communication is about visitation or money. It’s inevitable that the message will be wrong. It’s like that old game “telephone” when people pass a message from one person to the next. By the time it gets to the last person, it’s completely garbled.

The teens who tell me about this are always afraid they are going to be in trouble if they get the message wrong or if the receiving parent doesn’t like the message. They end up feeling that their parents’ conflict is their fault, and that one parent or the other is always mad at them. It’s extremely confusing and often traumatizing. And it often leads to the problem mentioned above of one parent saying negative things about the other.

I bring these issues up because I hear about them a lot in my work with teens. I’m not dismissing or minimizing the anger and hurt feelings that often exist between partners in a divorce. I’m simply saying the children need to be sheltered from that as much as possible.

If you ‘re so angry at or hurt by your ex that you’re having trouble containing it, then there are ways to get help. You can contact a therapist, go to a support group, join a Twelve-Step program, talk to your minister or a friend you can trust.

But please, leave the kids out of it.

 

 

 

 

Not Just the Priests

The sexual abuse scandal that’s rocked the Catholic Church was in the news again this week. The church is trying to protect itself from liability.

Last month a judge ordered the Boy Scouts of America to pay $18.5 million in punitive damages to a man who was sexually abused by his scout leader. That was on top of the $1.4 million for pain and suffering. Now the Boy Scouts are fighting to keep secret thousands of “perversion files” on suspected child molesters among their ranks.

And while many people are criticizing the church and the Boy Scouts for their handling of child molesters among their ranks, the problem of child sexual abuse is not unique to priests, scout leaders, or people who routinely work with children.

In fact, a recent CNN.com article quoted the head of the National Center for the Study and Prevention and Treatment of Sexual Trauma saying he is not aware of any evidence that child sexual abuse occurs more frequently among priests than among the general population.

Child sexual abuse is a tragic social ill cuts across all social and economic barriers. And the numbers are shocking. According to statistics compiled by Darkness and Light, a sexual abuse prevention program in South Carolina:

·      1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before age 18,

·      1 in 5 children are sexually solicited over the Internet,

·      There are about 39 million sexual abuse survivors in the U.S.

Among children who have been sexually abused:

·      Between 30 percent and 40 percent were abused by family members,

·      Another 50 percent were abused by someone outside the family whom they know and trust,

·      About 40 percent are abused by older or larger children whom they know.

During the mid-1990s, I co-facilitated therapy groups for adult and adolescent child molesters. Men and women in these groups included high powered lawyers, college professors, wealthy Silicon Valley types, low-wage blue collar workers, and middle class office workers – in essence a sampling of everyone – and no priests.

I no longer work with sex offenders, but I continue to work with people who were sexually abused as children. Again, these people cut across all social, economic and ethnic lines.

Sexual abuse is extremely traumatic, and its affects can last for decades. I’ve worked with young adults and senior citizens to help untangle the sometimes devastating affects that childhood sexual abuse has had on their lives. These people are inspiring examples of courage and tenacity in the work they’ve done to heal their lives.

Many sexual abuse survivors experience problems that include:

·      disturbing memory flashes,

·      depression,

·      anxiety,

·      dissociation – sometimes to the point of multiple personalities,

·      nightmares and insomnia,

·      problems with alcohol and drugs,

·      feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or that they are somehow bad or damaged,

·      trouble with sexual boundaries,

·      trouble functioning in relationships,

·      difficulty trusting other people,

·      eating disorders,

·      issues with body image,

·      general inability to feel good about themselves.

While these symptoms may be severe, there is ample opportunity for hope. The affects of sexual abuse can be treated. I’ve seen people come from severe trauma and grief, who have found ways to reach into their hearts, discover how strong and good they are, and go on to lead good lives free from the pain of their sexual trauma.

With therapy, sexual abuse survivors can learn to feel good about themselves and their lives and regain feelings of confidence and control.

In 1896 Sigmund Freud presented his findings that sexual abuse was a major contributor to psychological disturbance. In fact, he found that all of the women in his study had been sexually abused and that their pain and suffering were directly related to the abuse. Unfortunately, Freud’s findings were roundly criticized and dismissed by the psychological establishment of the day, and Freud retracted his findings. It would be decades before childhood sexual abuse and sexual abuse survivors would be taken seriously again.

Only in the last 30 years has childhood sexual abuse received the validation and attention it deserves. Now the scandal in the Catholic Church has again thrust the issue into the public eye. This is a good thing because many abuse survivors never reveal what happened to them or get help healing the trauma. It is my hope that this new attention will encourage more sexual abuse survivors to come forward, to get the help they need, to get the beautiful life they so richly deserve.