Dave had been clean and sober for 17 years when his father died of alcoholism. He regularly attended meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, stayed in touch with his A.A. sponsor and diligently took the necessary steps to stay sober. In fact, it had been more than ten years since Dave had felt the urge to drink or use drugs.
Dave's father was a maintenance alcoholic. He lived alone in a one-room apartment with a bed, a chair, a television and his collection of empty bottles. He drank himself to oblivion every day. Eventually, he drank himself to death.
Some friends and associates listened politely to Dave's grief, but they seemed to lose interest after a while. Others were obviously uncomfortable talking about it and urged him to "move on." Some told Dave he was "doing fine," which meant he wasn't actively grieving in front of them and making them feel uncomfortable.
In subsequent weeks Dave started to notice a familiar tug that he hadn't felt in years - the tug of his addiction. He started to have thoughts about getting high. Then he started to feel urges, which really scared him.
When I met Dave, he was at his wit's end. He was still sober, but no longer sure he could stay that way. He was scared and confused. He was still grieving.
As time went by, Dave told me about his anger over his father's alcoholism, his sadness about the course of their relationship, his sense of frustration and loss that his father had died before they had a chance to reconcile, his fear that he could end up like his father.
As Dave continued to express, honor and validate his grief, the thoughts and urges associated with his addiction began to fade. Eventually, Dave found his way to wholeness. But he found his life, and his perspectives, had changed.
Dave is not a real person. He is a composite of people I have known. The point is that grief will always find expression. We can talk about it, express it in art or writing, etc. Or we can try to ignore it, or try to "move on," in which case it is likely to come out as behavior or compulsion. In Dave's case, it came out as the urge to drink or use drugs.
There is nothing new in grief. There's just more of it. The sadness, anger, fear, sense of loss are not, in themselves, unfamiliar. They're just more intense during grief. Nonetheless, we have few, if any, tools to deal with the intensity, the preoccupation, the exhaustion that grieving entails.
Some cultures have year-long rituals associated with death and grief. We're not one of them. So, as often as not, the bereaved end up feeling alone and isolated with their grief.
That makes periods of bereavement an especially important time to take good care of ourselves - to reach out. Help is available.
Here is a link to information on grief support groups in the Sacramento area.
Or you can call my office for information at (916) 367-2105.
