I do a lot
of work with teenagers from divorced families. I’ve seen many things that
parents do to smooth this difficult transition for their kids. And I’ve seen
many of the mistakes divorced or divorcing parents make that alienate their
kids and make it harder for them to adjust.
It’s important for parents to give kids constant reassurance that what happened in the marriage is not their fault, that both parents love them unconditionally and that both parents will still be available, even though they live apart. Teens who get these kinds of messages have an easier time adjusting to this difficult transition. And kids are by nature narcissistic – they tend to think everything is about them. So they need to hear these messages over and over.
Granted, there are extreme cases where there have been abuse or domestic violence, where one or the other parent may not be available. I’m not talking about those today. But in those cases it’s even more important for children to be reassured that what happened was not their fault and they are loved unconditionally.
I also see teenagers who are disaffected and angry at one parent, or the other, or both. They feel caught in the middle. They’re angry, depressed, anxious. And they act out in various ways that include failing in school, oppositional and defiant behavior, getting into fights, getting into drugs, etc.
And over the years I’ve noted a couple of particular behaviors that exacerbate the grief and sadness that children experience in a divorce and tend to alienated them from their parents. I’d like to focus on those.
When parents are at war, the kids are the casualties. The most important thing divorcing parents can do for their kids is to end the war. It’s equally important that kids never be put in the middle of what’s going on between the parents.
There are two common ways that I’ve seen this happen.
The most harmful is when one parent says negative things about the other parent or repeatedly criticizes the other parent to the child. This is actually a severe form of emotional abuse.
Children love both parents unconditionally. They’re hard wired that way. When one parent is complaining to their child about the other parent, it is extremely confusing for the child. Children begin to feel they have to choose between their parents. It feels like an impossible situation, because they want to be loyal to both parents. Many teens have told me they feel like they are betraying one parent simply by loving the other or enjoying the time they spend together, or that they are somehow supposed to figure out how to make peace between the parents.
Parents occasionally complain to me that their teens have stopped communicating with them and seem angry much of the time. The teens tell me they can’t stand hearing parents criticizing each other. They tell me it’s just easier to withdraw from the relationship with one parent or both. This leaves them feeling unsupported and alone, which contributes to anger, depression and myriad acting out behaviors.
Often, the teens end up angry at both parents and those relationships can be damaged for years. Eventually, kids usually figure out that mom or dad was just venting his or her anger onto them at the kid’s expense, and they become angry at the offending parent. It’s especially difficult if both parents are engaging in this behavior.
The other thing I hear teens complain about is when parents won’t talk to each other and use the kids to communicate – especially when that communication is about visitation or money. It’s inevitable that the message will be wrong. It’s like that old game “telephone” when people pass a message from one person to the next. By the time it gets to the last person, it’s completely garbled.
The teens who tell me about this are always afraid they are going to be in trouble if they get the message wrong or if the receiving parent doesn’t like the message. They end up feeling that their parents’ conflict is their fault, and that one parent or the other is always mad at them. It’s extremely confusing and often traumatizing. And it often leads to the problem mentioned above of one parent saying negative things about the other.
I bring these issues up because I hear about them a lot in my work with teens. I’m not dismissing or minimizing the anger and hurt feelings that often exist between partners in a divorce. I’m simply saying the children need to be sheltered from that as much as possible.
If you ‘re so angry at or hurt by your ex that you’re having trouble containing it, then there are ways to get help. You can contact a therapist, go to a support group, join a Twelve-Step program, talk to your minister or a friend you can trust.
But please, leave the kids out of it.
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