I’ve decided in this newsletter to talk about forgiveness. It’s a tricky concept, but an important one. Forgiveness finishes whatever business we have with people who have harmed us, and it’s an important part of healing and moving on.
It’s probably a good idea at this point to talk about my definition of forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that what people did to harm us was okay. Nor does it mean we have to make nice with people who have perpetrated harm or abused us. It’s subtler than that.
To me, forgiveness simply means that I’m okay today. On this day, at this moment, I have decided that I am well. My life is good today. So whatever led me to this time and place, to this situation is okay. It’s part of the journey that got me here.
From that point of view, I can forgive because I am not harmed. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It just means that I’m letting the other people off the hook because I’m not harmed today.
Forgiveness is an attitude and a process that may be the resolution of trauma or pain. It’ not a specific act that we decree. We may feel forgiveness toward someone today, and not tomorrow. Forgiveness is a process by which we grow into a new attitude toward what happened to us. It’s an attitude of letting go that can heal us.
Rainer M. Rilke, one of my favorite poets and philosophers, advised us to “love the questions...Do not now try to answer them...we must live the questions, and then some day, without knowing it, we will live our way into the answer.”
I believe forgiveness has the same quality. If we can decide we are okay, then we can live with the question of forgiveness until we come to an answer.
I’m not minimizing the terrible traumas that some people have experienced, nor am I advocating that someone must forgive before they are ready. Forcing forgiveness before someone is ready simply perpetuates the harm and may be part of the perpetration.
Forgiveness is something we approach when we are ready. It’ not something we can decree because we’re “supposed to.”
“Forgiveness cannot be rushed. The person harmed must have time to grieve and feel anger. Then, when he or she is ready, if ever, forgiveness can lighten the load,” according to Frieda Ferrick, a therapist in Santa Rosa, CA.
We forgive for ourselves, for our own liberation. Stephanie Lape, one of my grad school classmates said, “Forgiveness is not so we may be good; it is so we may be free.”
As part of preparing for this article, I asked some friends for their thoughts on forgiveness. My friend Hugh Miller had an interesting response:
“I think there are at least two varieties of forgiveness. One, where the other person is unaccountable and doesn't seek a real healing. In this case I think we are wise to just drop the burden of our anger because it weighs us down and life is simply better without any extra suffering. And two, where the other person acknowledges harm done and the parties face the pain together in truth and a certain humbleness. This is the one you have to do if you are going to move forward together.”
Two people offered specific forgiveness practices (again, only when you are ready):
From Chris Miller: “Seventy times a day, I say out loud, "I, Chris, now unconditionally forgive myself and all others for all grievances, known and unknown, against myself and all others. Takes about 10 min/day.”
From Ilene Semiatin: “Write a letter to the person who wronged you, telling them what you are grateful to them for. Don't mail the letter, but give voice to that other piece of yourself, the part that has the capacity to get over the fear, betrayal, anxiety and anger. Actually sit and write the letter. Address the person who wronged you by name and find your gratitude. This has helped me in the past.”
Whatever your perspective on forgiveness, if you decide to engage the process, it’s important to do so with a great deal of compassion toward yourself. It’s important to do so only when you have decided that you are ready, not because someone, or some entity, tells you have to. It’s another opportunity to practice being kind and gentle with yourself.
